Im Dead. Wanna Hook Up?

Im Dead. Wanna Hook Up? by mellottann featuring infinity scarves

Purple shirt
necessaryclothing.com

T shirt
spreadshirt.com

Levi's high-waisted jean shorts
etsy.com

Converse sneaker
amazon.com

Infinity scarve
payless.com

Warehouse bowler hat
$34 - warehouse.co.uk

Mac cosmetic
maccosmetics.com

people judge me

i dont like being judged .. no one does .. anyways . i hate how people judge others about everything how some looks, dresses, eats, talks, just how they are as a person . like i mean everyone does , even little comments in your head thinking how much you cannot stand someone . i might be just talking about myself but i dunno maybe someone relates to me ..

thoughts in my head

she was in the darkness but not alone she had the monsters in her head to keep her company as the time went past the monsters were making her insane she wanted to leave the dark but there was only one way out the monsters told her and she did what the monsters told her to do and everything was put to a permanent stop.

#14 11/23/14

im so ready for thanksgiving break , but i am not ready for thanksgiving... just alot of family feeling there jugdment ugh. im really tempted to stay home , i really want to . well ill see what happens i dont know if im going to go . im so not in the mood to deal with school i have school monday and tuesday this week its not alot thank gosh but its still school and i have a test each day great i am not ready at all for that . at least after school ill get to hangout with my friend :) , my friend is visting for a few days so happy to see her im super excitied i missed her! she's only staying till wednesday though that sucks. :( at least we get to hangout for a few days before thanksgiving . my least favorite holiday . i think my favorite is either valentines day or chirstmas :) sooo excited for chirstmas this year and also excitied for my birthday !!!

#13 11/16/14

I dont know why i thought you were going to stay . i think you tricked me with your looks and your kindness , but i shouldve known that was all temperary . i knew you were going to leave, everyone leaves me  even if they dont intend to they just do. but for some reason you made me beileve youd actually stay with me . but theres always a problem with people and they always end up leaving . those people who "dont want to argue" but it jjust feels like theyve given up on you . i mean if the people you care most about, just stopped trying to deal with your problems  stopped supporting you ... youd feel like shit too.. theres only a handful of people i actually actually care about but most of them left me ... i still continue to think and care about them and how much i missed them  and what did i do that made them leave? then again i have issues myself i push people away alot i just dont know why i feel like i have no one when i know theres people out there that do care about me

# 12 11/10/14

so i dont know whats up wiht my brain but . im kinda in a mood where i just want to party and get drunk and get sick the next morning. but the thing is i dont know why i feel like that  and ive been to a real party before.like one id be scared to go to and regret going to later . one of those . i know i might be pushing it after all im just 15 almost 16 . but still i dont think staying in my room and going to school , is a way to live . i know im only 15 and it wont be like this forever. but it just feels like it. i dont know maybe it a "phase" where i never feel satisfied with anything i have and always want more or want what i cant i have . its not like a boy any thing like that . just i dont know how to explain it maybe i am talking about boys i dont even know .i serious dont know whats wrong with me. im just tried of being told what to do and i hate how no one i live with fucking trusts me like what did i ever do that was so bad to lose your respect and trust. im not 5 i can take care of myself whatever.. -sandy

#11 10/29/14

i dont really know what i feel like. i feel hurt i guess. i feel like people just use. i honestly dont understand that , how can you lie or use someone  and have no feelings about it . no guilt? how is that possible i dont understand why or how someone is capable of that like . everyone is capable of doing anything. to me thats fucking scray as hell. i dunno how i feel about that thought.

so on a nother note thearpy - honeslty i dont know if it helps or not but i do like geting put school . i just want to sleep all day. i mean i sleep through classes and just life . i could and want to sleep all day .i dont know why i feel like this i feel like its because of my meds . im having trouble staying awake no matter how much i get . im just always tired. no i need more medication like seriously im already on five . maybe i need something to help me cope and help me not  fall asleep all the time. its like a craving to sleep all the damn time . i dont even know if that makes sense but i dont really care thats how in feel .

#10 10/28/14

This post might be alittle different but i just want to get my point out to a certain someone that i know is going to read this. im sorry *** but , i have to let you know how much shit ive been through and how much you've fucked my brain and its really sad how i just know think and i feel like i am done with your shit and everything that has to deal with you . this is everything i feel and how felt.
i felt used trust me i still do feel this way , but that fact you were such complete ass whole about everything, you know ive been in simalar situations. this person that should know who they are . what they did. you did not break my heart or hurt my feelings i try to look past. because you truly do not deserve my feels my sadness my tears and every scar on my body ,even the one that arent visable are because of you . you think dealing with all this memories in my head makes me feel better about my  self . your wrong i feel like a slut a whore the names are endless . i can deal with the flash backs , and the sad part is i only ever rember the sad parts the depressing parts the parts i regrets . i have so many regrets invovling you. you ruined me .you emotionallly killed me . i dont know how to feel besides like trash, dirt. you used me just fucking admit it. i dont feel bad for you , you deserve everything you get. im done with you . i dont care about you i dont even consider you as my friend i dont know what you are to me . but when i see you or anything like a status update or a notifacation on instagram i dont get butterflies i feel nothing towards you . nothing. i thought i loved you i opened up to you and you took advantage of that . you saw every single inch of my body that i never  wanted anyone to see. i just feel uncomfortable. my heart doesnt race my eyes dont search for , and when i do look for you its to avoid you. its better this way better as strangers . we'll never be anything else. its much better for the both of us . even though im permently scarred from things you did. i no longer care, im sayingi forgive you . because i will never forgive you for the way you treated me. the way you treated me is not how you treat a girl .good bye *** *******.

#8 10/10/14

so I went to the hospital again ... but this time was different .. I ended up missing over a week of school. so basically what happened was I was thinking a lot and it wasn't good thoughts ... I was really suicidal and throught out the day I was texting a crisis line  and towards the end of day I couldn't take it , I couldnt handle life. so when I was talinking to the crisis line I straight up told them "i want to die" and they called emergency services (police) and about four people ended showing up at my house . they were super nice though , one of them even talked about taylor swift  with me  but after they talked to me  they *suggested  that I would go to a hospital  ( and suggested as in you are going) so I went through super awkward car ride in a police car it was kinda cool I guess. when I was at the hospital it was so boring I stayed in my room for the first few days and  then I made a friend there but I got in trouble because 1 I hugged her 2 I went in her room 3 I gave her my email. so when I made other friends I gave them hugs and gave them my email when the nurses weren't looking. and I actually saw my dad twice in a row and I haven't seen him for months so I guess it was since to see him for once . im just so glad im home now I hated being at the hospital so many rules (obviously) but yea I didn't like that. im doing a lot better now though. except im zero days clean ... hopefully it wont happen again

#7 9/29/14

so i dont know if this was a smart decision or not but yesterday i went to the hospital and (they didnt say this word per word) but they said that i was just fine and they sent me back home . back home seriously ?!? the reason i went there was because i didnt feel safe with myself being home like what the flip . i guess my problems dont matter to anyone.  

 

#6 9/25/14

things are getting to the point where i cry almost everyday ... people dont understand why i feel how i feel but latley i dont even know how to describe how i feel i guess i feel heart broken i dont know ... thats the only thing i think about the people that made me feel the way i feel i mean it sucks. because the guy i liked for such a long time said he loved me then he said he liked me "as a person" like you cant just say that and act like its something you can say ?! I believed him .. i actually loved him i cant get over him because i loved him !! i love him if he came back into my life right now and said he liked me id tell him i feel the same because i love him and hopefully ill be able to get over him but i dont know if i will because i really miss what we almost had...

#5 9/16/14

-lately i feel like things are getting bad again . i wont go in detail about the current events that are going on but i just need to vent on something thats not my journal . but when i say things or think things like i hate my self or think im ugly , im not fishing for compliments im not trying to cause drama or being a attention whore . i say these things or think these bad thoughts i mean it . i know that might sound kinda intense but right now its true . i can keep trying to distract myself but i cant just not feel how i feel , i cant just suddenly not be depressed and honestly i dont things will ever go back to how they were and i dont really know if thats a good thing or a bad thing yet but i guess ill figure that out 

-sandy

#4 7/18/14 update

so i havent been posting on here for awhile , and id like to say sorry :| but theres kinda been problems because i was on vaction and i ran out of data so that happened, and i just wouldnt know what to say/update . but i think i just have problems like  with things including writing and updating like  on wattpad i cant update often becasue i dont know what to write :| so i think ill be using this blog for more of personal blog , so im sorry if that bothers you but you can like suggest something you want me to talk about on a post i guess . so i will try to update more often :) 

-sandy

kik: sandreapurple

twitter: mellottann

#3 6/28/14

so its almost fourth of july and i dont like that holiday anymore.... last year my first boyfriend asked me out on fourth of july (7/4/13) and since i hate him (well i strongly dislike him) so now i dont really like that day anymore and on a different note. "basically" every year about a week before fourth of july with my moms side we would go to the beach for about a week after forth of july and i just dont know if i want to go this year ( because my moms side is kinda mean and i just dont feel like leaving the house ) so im gonna try to get out of it even though people i know told me i should go and get out of the house ill see if i feel like going when it comes to that day but i dont want to go if my sister , my cousins , and my mom are going because those are the people i feel most comfortable around im gonna try to convince my friend to come cause i really dont want to go . oh well ill see when if i feel like going when we leave in a couple days (if i still feel like not going or i do feel like going).

#2 6/22/14

so yesterday the 21st i went to digitour :) , it was the o2l tour (our second life tour) omg it was so cool , i had a fun time but during the beginning it was sucky because people kept shoving and it was bad to the point where we couldn't move everyone was a super close together. but I was close to the front so that was cool but i was only there for a little till people were pushing and shoving really bad agian. agian i couldnt move so i was just stuck in the crown i couldnt hear or see and thing that was going on. and a couple minutes later people are pushing really hard and i fell on the floor and people stepped on me and that hurt alot , fortunately someone in the crowd so me  and they asked if i was ok , i said no as much as i dont like people i really needed to get out of there. so she pulled me through the crowd of mostly twelve year olds. amd when we got to the back i was all gross and sweaty and i kept crying cause that was just awful!, someone the works there saw me and asked if i was ok i said no so she walked me downstairs to the lobby but before she saw me i thanked that random person that helped me and told her id be ok , and she went back to the crowd , i felt kinda bad cause she was missing the show to help me (someone she didnt even know) . so anyways when i got to the lobby my friend was there ( i went there with my friend and my sister) and i asked why she was here and not watching the show and apparently someone elbowed her in the throat. when i was there a person walked me to a table with me and friend and they pulled out the chairs for us ! they also got us waterbottles and they gave me ice to put on my back cause people stepped on me .... so later when i felt alittle better i went back with my friend and just stayed in the back the entire time , there was air conditioning. and we could actually see what was going on and stage. when it was about last five minutes of the show we as in me ,my sister ,my friend left early and went to the back of the building where there tourbus was there was already alot of other people waiting for them too, so agian with the pushing and shoving we wait for about a half hour until they finally showed up but i only managed to take take a picture of kian ,jc, and sam :( but at least i got to see them ! so that was super cool! 

 

#1 ive never had a blog

so ive never had a blog and im probably not gonna have any views and stuff.

but im not that special but me telling my problems and expercinces might help someone . i do admit that im pretty boring so i am sorry  , i love you peoples *hugs forever * 

-sandy