veggie cooking cheat sheet

Painting inpseration

diary entry #1

i kinda feel bad for the idea of leaving my mom but she doesn't deserve to treat me like this , i mean yea she's old but shes still a bitch . i hate people who are like well that's your mom you cant / don't hate her , like bull shit you don't know what i have to deal with everyday . i hate being with her i cant stand it anymore. i don't need to get yelled at for nothing and that fact my boyfriend cant even step inside my house makes me want to fucking kill her. like i don't want the only thing that makes me happy to be able to hangout with me . i wish she knew how fucking awful of a parent she is . i want her to realize that. she is a disgrace to moms , and i know for a fact i will not be this cruel to my kid(s). they don't deserve it. its your responsibility to take care of your children so if you don't like how they act then don't fucking make them feel like shit  tell them nicely not to do it again . DON'T YOU DARE say you love your kid if you feel the need to hurt them or make them feel like crap. Because that will never be okay. you don't know  what they'll have to deal with for the rest of there lives all the therapy and the medications and the long talks of how they're just "teenagers" or kids . they don't know how to control there emotions like yes being young doesn't help, but that's not the only problem , my problem isn't my age its the fact that you think i do everything because of my age but i guarantee that i will still act like how i do in 20 years or so nothings going to change , mostly because that's how you raised you kid so if its a problem don't yell at your kids understand they have a lot to deal with too.

fears and beliefs

everyone has fears.

there isn't one person who isn't afraid of something.

weather its just a little fear of bugs or spiders or the dark ,

I'm not saying these things aren't scary , because trust me they are .

i am terrified of the dark,  always have been .

it's scary to think that something might be 'out to get you'.

I'm not really scared of spiders .

anyways

people are scared of different things .

Just like how people like different things.

some people might not understand how some one might be scared of certain things,

 but that's okay it doesn't make your feelings any less real

some people might even be scared by their own thoughts,because your thoughts are with you no matter

what,

and its hard to forget or think of other things sometimes.

its a dark place inside my mind .

its depressing and cold.

but its not my mind that I'm so afraid of its

myself that I'm oh so terrified of

but what am i to do?

when no one believes you when you honestly say you're not okay .

because this mask i wear is so realistic

but cant you see that's what i want you to believe,

i want you to think I'm okay when I'm not

but how should i explain that with out sounding crazy or confusing ,

the words i try to use just don't come out right

like when i open my mouth the words turn into jumbled letters

like some one fell asleep on the keyboard so you don't know what to make out of the random letters,

 you just start to assume that their either weird or so fucking happy their words exploded in to space.

i

don't

understand,

how hard is it just to say,...

"i don't want to be alone by myself , my thoughts are everywhere but i don't need help explaining,

i just need comfort or friend to watch random movies with "

but i guess its even harder to understand that.

like wtf

gosh fucking damn like this week has been fucking awful , i seriously want to fucking kill myself, there is no hope in this world for me in this world , my bf and friends are better off with out me i cant stand being in this place , i hate being with my mom , im pissed at my dad and how he wont fucking let me stay with him , it pisses me off i fucking hate myself , im so fucking done . i have been not sad but fucking suicdal it makes me fucking misreable i dont know what to do  i have no one to talk to , and everyone that i want to talk to has their own problems and the cant handle my shit , everyone is fucking done with me and i am too , i really want to cut so fucking bad i seriously deserve so much worse , im such an awful person i dont deserve to live and have an amazing boyfriend , he do sooo much better then to deal with me and waste his time on me when he can find someone that will actually help him with his problems and make him happy and not more depressed like i do. i dont help any one not even myself