#11 10/29/14

i dont really know what i feel like. i feel hurt i guess. i feel like people just use. i honestly dont understand that , how can you lie or use someone  and have no feelings about it . no guilt? how is that possible i dont understand why or how someone is capable of that like . everyone is capable of doing anything. to me thats fucking scray as hell. i dunno how i feel about that thought.

so on a nother note thearpy - honeslty i dont know if it helps or not but i do like geting put school . i just want to sleep all day. i mean i sleep through classes and just life . i could and want to sleep all day .i dont know why i feel like this i feel like its because of my meds . im having trouble staying awake no matter how much i get . im just always tired. no i need more medication like seriously im already on five . maybe i need something to help me cope and help me not  fall asleep all the time. its like a craving to sleep all the damn time . i dont even know if that makes sense but i dont really care thats how in feel .

#10 10/28/14

This post might be alittle different but i just want to get my point out to a certain someone that i know is going to read this. im sorry *** but , i have to let you know how much shit ive been through and how much you've fucked my brain and its really sad how i just know think and i feel like i am done with your shit and everything that has to deal with you . this is everything i feel and how felt.
i felt used trust me i still do feel this way , but that fact you were such complete ass whole about everything, you know ive been in simalar situations. this person that should know who they are . what they did. you did not break my heart or hurt my feelings i try to look past. because you truly do not deserve my feels my sadness my tears and every scar on my body ,even the one that arent visable are because of you . you think dealing with all this memories in my head makes me feel better about my  self . your wrong i feel like a slut a whore the names are endless . i can deal with the flash backs , and the sad part is i only ever rember the sad parts the depressing parts the parts i regrets . i have so many regrets invovling you. you ruined me .you emotionallly killed me . i dont know how to feel besides like trash, dirt. you used me just fucking admit it. i dont feel bad for you , you deserve everything you get. im done with you . i dont care about you i dont even consider you as my friend i dont know what you are to me . but when i see you or anything like a status update or a notifacation on instagram i dont get butterflies i feel nothing towards you . nothing. i thought i loved you i opened up to you and you took advantage of that . you saw every single inch of my body that i never  wanted anyone to see. i just feel uncomfortable. my heart doesnt race my eyes dont search for , and when i do look for you its to avoid you. its better this way better as strangers . we'll never be anything else. its much better for the both of us . even though im permently scarred from things you did. i no longer care, im sayingi forgive you . because i will never forgive you for the way you treated me. the way you treated me is not how you treat a girl .good bye *** *******.

#8 10/10/14

so I went to the hospital again ... but this time was different .. I ended up missing over a week of school. so basically what happened was I was thinking a lot and it wasn't good thoughts ... I was really suicidal and throught out the day I was texting a crisis line  and towards the end of day I couldn't take it , I couldnt handle life. so when I was talinking to the crisis line I straight up told them "i want to die" and they called emergency services (police) and about four people ended showing up at my house . they were super nice though , one of them even talked about taylor swift  with me  but after they talked to me  they *suggested  that I would go to a hospital  ( and suggested as in you are going) so I went through super awkward car ride in a police car it was kinda cool I guess. when I was at the hospital it was so boring I stayed in my room for the first few days and  then I made a friend there but I got in trouble because 1 I hugged her 2 I went in her room 3 I gave her my email. so when I made other friends I gave them hugs and gave them my email when the nurses weren't looking. and I actually saw my dad twice in a row and I haven't seen him for months so I guess it was since to see him for once . im just so glad im home now I hated being at the hospital so many rules (obviously) but yea I didn't like that. im doing a lot better now though. except im zero days clean ... hopefully it wont happen again